It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
