Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
