Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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