I wanna bring you to show and tell
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
bring money and cleavage
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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