You can't special order awesome
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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