I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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