I think my vagina is haunted
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
