My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
