do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
