More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
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Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
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He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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