yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
