things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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