Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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