i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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