Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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