i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
