How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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