I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
