He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
