I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Randomize
