cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
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I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
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I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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