my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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