I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
