i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
