the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
