For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
