someone get that fucking seahorse.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
