Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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