I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
