come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
