Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Is it penis luge time yet?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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