If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
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I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
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He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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