you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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