yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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