I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
