Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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