Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
