So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
