I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
