How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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