I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
