I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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