so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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