I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize