i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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