happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
