Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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