So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
