Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
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These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
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No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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