shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
