I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
