Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
