totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
